The above is an image from James Gunn’s PG Porn series. He takes porn stars and inserts them into hilarious situations where sex is never involved. They show the shorts on Spike TV all the time.
In an English class, about three years ago, I made a short film with a couple of other students as part of a project. It was pretty awful, but there were some slick editing calls on my part, if I do say so myself. Another student in the class, twenty-six years old ex-army just back from a few years in Korea, approached me after class. He was African-American, tall, about 6’5”, in impeccable shape and was in an amateur kickboxing league outside of the state.
He asked me if I was interested in going to lunch after class, and I was, so we went for pizza in the Sbarro restaurant on the ground floor of the HUB. There, we chatted about class and other bullshit that comes up between two men while eating pizza, and then, he asked me the vaguest question I’ve ever been asked over such a meal.
“Are you interested in making some good money?” As any college student will tell you, making money is always a good thing, and “good money” is even better. My response was something along the lines of either “absolutely,” or “sure!” with the exclamation point included. He didn’t expound on it any further after that, and we concluded the meal with plans to meet at a Waffle Shop over the weekend. I speculated what he was going to request of me the few days before we met up again. Would he ask me to tape his kickboxing matches? That’d be cool. I was already planning on what music I’d set the fights to while editing.
When the day arrived, he picked me up and we drove to the West College Waffle Shop. Once inside, a gorgeous brunette approached smiling. She hugged him, and asked how he’d been. I thought this was a bit friendly for a greeting, but figured he might have worked there before and didn’t think much of it. She sat us and took our order before he leaned in really close.
“How would you feel about…” his voice trailed a bit, and he finished in a whisper, “porn.” My interest was piqued. It was the last thing I’d imagined him to ask of me. I sat back, wondering how to respond. If I said yes to soon, would it come off a bit weird? What if I looked creeped out, he might say nevermind or something and revoke the offer. I waited a second, half nodded and said that I was interested in so many words.
He went on to explain how he’d read that one of the routes to get into the porn industry was through making an amateur tape or two and sending them to porn star talent scouts. He’d been working up his stamina, he said, as well as working out to look his best. He even went so far as to find three women who all agreed to the idea as well.
At this point, the attractive waitress returned with our food. I had a stack of banana and pecan waffles if you were interested. I can’t remember his meal. Anyway, when she left, he nodded towards and said that he used to date her. Let me take a quick second to explain something about the waitress. She wasn’t just hot or pretty in a typical sense. She was pretty in a why-is-she-working-here kind of way, as if it was beneath her to sling waffles to people for a living. She should’ve been living a life of luxury on some millionaire’s yacht. After that bit of information, I was in. If he was getting these kind of women, and not some—to borrow a term—hood rats, how could I say no?
The porn industry is funny world. They deal and peddle our basic desires. It ranges from the smuttiest, dirtiest filth, to some of the more clever satires of our own culture. It’s a self-aware industry, never afraid to make fun of itself. It also embraces technology like no other entertainment industry, instantly adopting the internet as a tool instead of being afraid of its power. And for that, I appreciate it.
The story ends more realistically than it began. It was toward the end of the year when he asked me to do this. I came back home for the summer, but made sure he had my number. He even called me once, telling me he had some of the equipment bought, and was just waiting on it to be delivered. That was the last time I heard from him though. It was pretty disappointing.
I’ve thought about how weird it might have been to actually shoot and edit a pornographic video for someone I had class with, but the money and my interest was there. Had it not been for his sudden disappearance, I could’ve been in California by now. Aw, the career that never was.
July 23, 2009, 9:30pm
